Character & Costume:

1 woman

Bathrobe

Comical Slippers

Night Cap

Props:

Chair

(The following props are all optional. All can be imaginary.)

Coffee Table

Alarm Clock

Bible

Stack of Books

TV Guide

Remote Control

Magazine

Pencil

Paper

Telephone.

(Enter yawning and stretching as if just awakened. Carry alarm clock.) Here we go, rise and shine, up and at ‘em at 4 am. That gives me three hours to pray and meditate before I start my day. I better set my alarm so I know when it’s 7 o’clock and the heathens in this house are up. (Set clock and put on coffee table.)

Boy that TV preacher was right. I feel more spiritual already! (flop down on chair) Let’s see if I got everything. (sort through books) Let’s see bible, authorized 1611 King James, Faith & Prayer Power Partner edition, complete with study notes and personally signed by the Right Reverend Doctor J. Theodore Jones, genuine imitation leather, limited edition. My Concordance, full exhaustive Greek to English, Hebrew to English. My bible dictionary. The complete Encyclopedia of the Bible. The five volume complete commentary of the bible by the late founder and chancellor of Holy Bible Faith Seminary for the Equipping of the Saints. The three best sellers from the Holy Christian Monthly book of the month pick list.

(Picks up magazine) Now how did this magazine get in here? Those darn kids, bringing this stuff home. Look at the picture on the front. You call that a dress? Why she should be ashamed! (Look closer at the cover.) Let’s see, says she’s been married three times. I wouldn’t doubt that! Hmmmmm, she says this one is for keeps, turn to page 21 for her 5 best secrets for making this marriage last. (turn magazine pages) This ought to be a winner. Let’s see what she says, number one. (mumble as if skimming, then give a sarcastic laugh) Yeah, right like that’s going to do any good. Number 2 (mumbles). This is just trash. That’s all it is. Pure trash. Number 3 (mumble) Now who would do that? Number 4 (mumbles) Absolutely ridiculous! I guess that’s the way the world is. What do you expect? An ungodly magazine, written by ungodly people and ungodly people read it. (continue to read) Number 5 (mumble) You’ve got to be kidding! What’s this world coming to? Boy, am I glad I’m sanctified. Trash. That’s all it is. Trash! I don’t even know why I have this stuff in my house. (turn back to front cover) Hmmmm become a model in six weeks or just look like one. (look down at self) Yeah, right. (Look around to see if anyone is looking and put magazine in pocket)

Now here we go right into bible study. (look through books) Now where’s that devotional… hey how did that TV Guide get in here? (hold up TV Guide) I guess I should see what’s on TV. After all there might be some news shows on. I need to know what’s going on in the world. I have to know what to pray for. There probably aren’t too many spiritual people like me up this early. Perhaps I can intercede on some sinner’s behalf. (flip though TV Guide) Now let’s see what’s on. Trash. Trash. Nope Nothing. Trash. Boy there’s nothing on TV this time of night. I feel sorry for those poor sinners who can’t sleep at night. There’s nothing edifying on at all. (pick up remote) Oh maybe there’s something worthwhile on if I just flip through the channels. (turn TV on, changing channels)

I can’t believe people watch this stuff! Boy look at that. What kind of sucker would buy that stuff? Boy they just play on their vanity. But remember, pride cometh before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. When will people catch on? You can’t expect all that out of that little bottle – lose weight – makes your hair thicker – gets rid of BO. (Look down at weight, run fingers through hair, smell under arms). They probably want a hundred dollars a bottle for that stuff! What’s that only $59.99… and if I order today I get a second bottle free. 1-800-goodlife. Where’s my pencil? (look for pencil) 1-800-goodlife (pencil doesn’t work, throw down and find another, then write down number)

Change channel. I didn’t know they had soap operas on at this time of morning. What kind of person would get up this early to watch this trash? I’ll tell you what, if the people in these stories would follow God they wouldn’t have all those problems. This is just silly. How can people watch this stuff? It doesn’t even make sense. (lean forward, get more and more engrossed) What is he thinking? Why would he do that? No don’t do that. Don’t open that door. If you leave, you’ll regret it. What about the twins? (crying) I can’t believe he left her. Especially now when little Timmy needs that liver transplant. If he only realized the plane carrying the donor organ is flying right into a hurricane.

(phone rings startling you, wipe eyes as you answer in a sing-song voice) Hello, Praise the Lord, This is the day the Lord has made. Jesus loves you and so do I. No, I’m sorry you have the wrong number. That’s okay. Bye-bye (mumbling) I can’t believe someone wouldn’t be more careful dialing at this time of day. How inconsiderate. (phone rings, answer in a sing-song voice) Hello, Praise the Lord, This is the day the Lord has made. Jesus loves you and so do I. (disgusted) No. I told you that you had the wrong number. Stop calling here. Oh yeah? Well same to you buddy. Boy oh boy. I’ll tell you some people are just so rude. I’m sure he wouldn’t care that he interrupted my bible study. He’s probably drunk anyway.

(phone rings, voice is angry) Listen you, I told you about calling here. You stop calling my house. Big Bertha doesn’t live here. As far as I’m concerned you and Big Bertha can both drop dead. What kind of inconsiderate boob are you calling at this time of morning? (tone changes) Oh…oh my…no Pastor Walden…I wasn’t in bed…Oh, my no, you’re not disturbing me. I was up for my morning devotional…that’s just a little joke I play sometimes…answering the phone like that…no, I told you that you can call me anytime with a prayer request…you know me, I’m always happy to pray for someone…I care so much about people…Praise the Lord…yes I will lift them up in prayer right now.. Yes, thank you for calling.

I can’t believe that pastor had the nerve to call me and ask me to pray for someone. He’s the pastor. He’s the one that gets paid to pray for people. Nobody pays me to pray for anybody. He must be backsliding. This will come up at the next board meeting. (kneel down) Well I guess it’s up to me to pray. I have to do everything around here anyway.

(look around as if hearing a noise) What was that? Who’s there? (yells in the other room) What are you doing up? Well, I’m sorry the phone woke you up. I’m not the one who called you know. No, make your own coffee. I said make your own coffee. Honestly, am I the only one that can make coffee around here? Well, you’ll just have to wait… praying (yell in angry voice) I said, I’m praying…praying, you ought to try it yourself…Can’t you just leave me alone for five minutes? I have to do everything around here…I don’t care what you do. Just leave me alone….when I’m done praying…you know you could get off your polished pew and do it yourself…nothing…never mind…just leave me alone.

The preacher was right. The closer you get to the Lord, the more the devil attacks you. Now where was I? I think I’ll get into the word. (pick up bible, yawn, begin to read, fall asleep, snore.

Wake up abruptly when alarm rings) Huh…oh…good thing I set that alarm clock. I’d have been sitting her all day reading my bible.

(look toward heaven as exiting) Lord I thank you that I’m not like other people. I pray, I read my bible, and I started my morning with you.