Characters & Props:
1 Woman
Chair
The skit opens with our star standing in front of an imaginary mirror.
(Pretend to spray throat) Mee-mee-mee (In sing-song voice) Me-me-me. It’s all about me-me-me. I am the star. Me-me-me me. Diction and projection. (Look in mirror. Primp.) I do look good.
(Act like trying to memorize lines)
Dear Jesus let me be like you.
With a pure love and heart that true.
With your humble birth in Bethlehem,
God sent His love down to men.
Fill me with your compassion, oh Lord I pray.
This is my prayer this Christmas day.
(Through the following lines continue to rehearse the above lines)
They picked the right person to be the star of the Christmas play this year. It’s about time they finally realized my talent. Looks like those mail order acting lessons finally paid off. Dear Jesus let me be like you with a pure love and heart that’s true...
(hears phone ring & answers) Hello….I’m rehearsing the for big Christmas play tonight…Why as a matter of fact I’m the star…Oh I’m always willing to do my share…I love to give…If I have one fault, it’s probably giving to much…collecting for the mission you say?...No I can’t give you anything…Oh, it’s not that I wouldn’t love to, but you see all my clothes are designer…Poor people wouldn’t be comfortable in nice things like that mine…Let me help you out…Call Sister Agnes….That’s right, she does all her shopping at Walmart, she’s got a lot of tacky clothes that I’m sure would be perfect!...As a matter of fact, ask her about that yellow dress she wore to bible study last week. It looks terrible on her. She looks like a giant canary…okay then, glad I could help…bye,bye. (disgusted voice) Collecting for missions. I think if God really called him, He’ll supply the clothes.
Now where was I? With your humble birth in Bethlehem,
God sent His love down to men...
Oh, look at the time. I can’t be late, after all I am the star. (act like leaving house, getting ready to get in car (chair), seeing neighbors try to hide from them) Oh, no. It’s Lucy Brown outside with her four kids. Maybe she won’t see me. Oh, hi Lucy, I didn’t see you. I’m starring in a Christmas program…Where?...Uh, Uh, Sorry I can’t hear you. Gotta run… Boy that was close. She’s never darkened the door of a church in her life and now that it’s my big night she wants to come and spoil the whole service. Her and those four little brats of hers. They wouldn’t even know how to act in church. They just need to stay home and watch Rudolf or Frosty on TV.
Back to my lines Fill me with your compassion oh Lord I pray.This is my prayer this Christmas day...
Not bad if I do say so myself. I ought to be on Broadway.
(Read while driving, Suddenly notice someone front of you, Slam brakes) Hey watch where you are going! Can you believe this? What a place for a crosswalk. Why would that old woman be out here with walker in this snow? Will you look at how slow she is going! Oh great, now she dropped her bag. How many oranges does she have? Will you just get that stuff out of the street lady? Some people are just so inconsiderate. All they think about is themselves. She’s gonna make me late. She doesn’t care that she’s holding up traffic. Guess I’ll practice my lines while I’m waiting. Dear Jesus let me be like you...
Well. it’s about time.
(start driving, hit brakes) Oh great. Now I’m behind some old man. Drive it or park it, gramps. (Honk horn) Oh good, you got it up to 10 miles per hour. Where’s the fire? (honk horn) He’s turning off. (read lines) With your humble birth in Bethlehem, God sent His love down to men...
(slam on brakes) It figures I get this red light every time. This is the longest red light in town. I don’t have time for this. (look around) No cops in sight. I’ll stop twice next time. (hit the gas, then yell out window) Oh yeah, same to you buddy…You a cop…Then why don’t you mind your own business?... I didn’t hit you, did I?... Oh yeah you need to get saved!... I’m a faithful member of The First Church of the Sanctified… You give me your address and I’ll have the pastor call on you…Coward!...Yeah, I’d run if I were you too buddy. (shake head) Sinners. They won’t even let you witness to them.
(read lines) Fill me with your compassion oh Lord I pray. This is my prayer this Christmas day.
Well, here I am at the church. Will you look at that parking lot. I don’t see any place to park. I am the star. You’d think they would have reserved a place for me. The only one I see is that handicapped on over there. Well with the snow maybe no one will notice. (pull in parking space, get out of car, see van pulling in) Oh great a wheelchair van. (wave and keep going, then stop) Merry Christmas…Oh you were? ...Oh, my I guess it is…I guess the sign was covered with snow…You do?...From the Nursing Home?... 9 wheelchairs and walkers…97 years old, bless her heart…Well if you insist…Merry Christmas (move car) Wheelchair vans get all the good spaces…I don’t know why they even bother picking up those old geezers from the nursing home…Just what I need, A bunch of old people drooling and snoring while I’m acting my heart out. I guess I’ll just have to park down the street.
(Get out of car) Six blocks in the cold and snow. (practice lines) Fill me with your compassion oh Lord I pray. (interrupted by imaginary person) No, I don’t have a dollar. Why don’t you get a job!...
Will you look at the snow on the walk. I would think the pastor could have done a better job shoveling these stairs. I guess he’s gone soft. You know pastors, they work one hour a week on Sunday morning. If I fall on these steps, I’m getting a lawyer and they’ll be calling it St. Susan’s Church.
(Open church door) Look at this place. It’s packed. Lots of visitors. I knew it! Somebody’s sitting in my pew. Thirty years I’ve been sitting there. Right side, third row back, next to the aisle. They come once a year and they gotta sit in my pew.
There’s no dressing room. Now I have to sit in the back row with the sinners.
(sit down, talk to person next to you in pew) Oh hello…Is this your first time here?...Welcome…be sure to fill out welcome card…Is that how you usually dress when you come to church…no it’s fine. To each his own…We want you to come back any time…I won’t be coming back myself…Yep this is my last time…I’ve had it with this place and these people…I’m the star of this Christmas program and I’ve been treated horribly… no parking place…no dressing room…horrible…but we’re so glad you’re here tonight be sure to fill out that visitor card and put it in the offering…They will be taking an offering…Did you bring any money with you?...My we’re a little sensitive aren’t we? (mumble lines) Dear Jesus let me be like you. With a pure love and heart that’s true.
(look at watch) It’s three minutes after. Let’s get this show on the road. I don’t have all night. Okay pastor you don’t need to take an hour welcoming everyone. We all saw the welcome sign on the way in. Oh, now his wife is going to sing… She can’t carry a tune in a bucket... If you really wanted the world to have joy, you would stop singing!.. How many verses does that song have? ...I’m sure she made that verse up! Now Bro Bill has to testify…52 Sundays a week it’s the same old thing… I used to be an alcoholic and Jesus saved me…Blah, Blah, Blah…We didn’t come to hear all that we came for a Christmas program.
Oh brother, they are having the kids first. Who made those costumes? Bathrobes. Who ever saw a shepherd in bathrobe with blue teddy bears on it? They can’t even remember their lines. They ought to be home watching Rudolph or something.
Adults to backstage. About time! (struts to backstage)
(Strut to stage, then look at audience, face filled with fear, stutter, forget lines) uh, uh.. like Jesus… uh, uh, compassion… uh, uh, like you… uh, uh Christmas (bursts into tears, runs off stage)
(Being comforted by someone) I’m so embarrassed… Not about me…Who?..Jesus?...No I haven’t….right here? (kneel at chair, sincerely pray)
Dear Jesus let me be like you.
With a pure love and heart that true.
With your humble birth in Bethlehem,
God sent His love down to men.
Fill me with your compassion oh Lord I pray.
This is my prayer this Christmas day.
